


Moving Past the Past

by lifeinthebox



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Brief mention of Past-Jacob/Shepard, But Kaidan needs a reality check, Emotional Hurt, F/M, I sympathize with both parties, Reconciliation, talking things out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-09
Updated: 2016-03-09
Packaged: 2018-05-25 15:15:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6200053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lifeinthebox/pseuds/lifeinthebox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's hard to forget the words Kaidan threw at her on Horizon, almost as hard as forgetting what they had before death stole two years from her. And as hard as forgetting her own mistakes. Shepard wants, Shepard needs, to move on from the pain of her past. But she'll do it on terms. She can only hope that Kaidan will join her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Moving Past the Past

**Author's Note:**

> This is kind of an offshoot of my main Mass Effect story. As I mentioned there, I hate how Horizon and the fall out is handled by both sides. They can’t provide every scenario, so interactions in Mass Effect can be imbalanced from person to person, and it bugs me enough to write an extended alternative of the hospital scene. I chose Jacob as the second romance because it’s doomed anyway, and I don’t want to get into a Garrus vs.Thane vs. Kaidan throw down, that’s not the point of this.

“When you were with Cerberus…was there something between you and one of your crew?”

Kaidan asked it so calmly, but Shepard felt her stomach turn at the question. Horizon came flooding back, stabbing into her gut alongside her relief that Kaidan was awake. It was the same mix of pain and relief that she had felt when she had seen Kaidan on Horizon, still warm from his embrace while he accused her of betraying everything she cared about. She didn’t know which hurt more, hearing him say it and walk away, or the fear that he might have been right.

“Our fight on Horizon really threw me. You just shut me down,” Shepard said, continuing on when Kaidan tried to interrupt. “You made it pretty clear where you stood, and that it wasn’t with me.”

Kaidan squirmed, wincing as the wide bruises on his sides restricted his movement. Shepard’s emotions were still swimming, searching for a way to spell out her confusion, hurt, anger, all mixed with doubt and memories of the good times she and Kaidan had had. Kaidan started to say something, sighing sharply and turning gingerly to face Shepard.

“Yeah, I’ll own that,” Kaidan admitted roughly. “There you were, alive, and I just…I shut you down.”

“Yeah,” Shepard agreed more sharply than she meant to, her old anger surging to the surface. “You weren’t the only one who had to move on, Kaidan. What, was I supposed to wait and pine, until you decided I was safe again?”

“That's not-. No, but...but after everything, after Ilos, after what we went through, why didn’t you even try to find me? There were rumors, Anderson knew and didn't tell me, you had been to the Citadel, you’d even found Garrus. Why didn't you tell me you were back?” Kaidan said.“Why, why didn’t you find me until Horizon? Or write to me, write _back_ to me?”

Kaidan hissed between his teeth in pain, and Shepard leaned on her knees, hiding behind her hands as she tried to think. She had wanted to find Kaidan after returning so badly. But with everything around her, worrying about Cerberus, finding a crew, understanding the Collectors, she had lost the time. And wondering what would have been different if she _had_ tried to reach out only made her feel worse.

“I didn’t know what to say, what was I supposed to say?” Shepard asked accusingly. “Explain coming back from the dead, or be the Shepard you were expecting? And then, on Horizon, you didn’t-”

“Yeah,” Kaidan coughed, studying the blanket in his lap. “I didn’t want to listen.”

Shepard nodded, studying Kaidan’s knees instead of his face, twisting her fingers around each other. She wanted to stay angry at him, she was still angry and hurt, but that anger too easily bled into being angry at herself. He hadn’t listened on Horizon, but for all her reassurances, Shepard hadn’t been as careful with Cerberus as Kaidan had warned her to be, and the Illusive Man was making her pay for that mistake. 

“I needed someone, and you weren’t there,” Shepard explained, tired, worried, angry and sad all at once, still punched in the gut by the bruises she could see on Kaidan’s arms and stomach above the blanket. “And Jacob was, he was there to help, without making me feel as if I’d done something _wrong_ for having Cerberus bring me back.”

“Shepard, I-”

“So, maybe, maybe you were angry I didn’t find you, maybe you were right about Cerberus. But I’m not the one who said they had to move on, that I _betrayed_ us,” Shepard accused. “I just moved on, the way you did. _You_  walked away from _me,_ and I had to move on too. You don’t get to be angry about _that_.”

Shepard stopped just short of shouting, her chest aching as she struggled to keep her voice calm. She regretted staying in Cerberus’s clutches and not running to Kaidan as soon as she could have, and the half-finished words on Horizon, she even regretted Jacob sometimes, after not hearing from him since the mission. But Kaidan didn’t get to _make_ her regret any of that.

The room stayed silent, Shepard folding her shaking hands tighter and waiting for Kaidan to say something. Kaidan didn’t speak, his breath catching from his injuries, but giving Shepard no sign of what he was thinking. Shepard risked looking at his face, preparing to stand her ground in Kaidan’s anger. Even his face was unreadable, grim but controlled, as Kaidan always tried to be. Shepard shifted in her seat, torn between heading for the door and finally getting past this ugly silence.

“Shepard,” Kaidan said slowly, his voice grating before he cleared his throat. “I never meant to make you feel _wrong_. I don’t trust Cerberus, I don’t even know what they did, or why, but having you back…I never dared to hope for that.”

Kaidan shook his head, leaning back with a spasm of pain for the motion. Now he was avoiding her, staring at the ceiling and thinking, his jaw working the way it did when he was afraid to keep talking.

“And then, on Horizon, you _were_ back, as if you’d never been gone, saying it could be like old times,as if nothing had changed. Except you _had_ been gone, and you were with Cerberus,” Kaidan said. “It sent me spinning, and I handled it badly. I still don’t know _how_ to handle it, but, but I owe you more than that after everything you’ve done. A lot more. I’m sorry. For Horizon, for Mars, for doubting you. I don’t know if I was wrong about Cerberus, but I was wrong about you. I'm sorry.”

Kaidan sat up, looking at Shepard steadily for an answer. Shepard felt her stomach stomach convulsing. This felt familiar, like the way they had talked before everything, confiding in each other instead of snapping commands and accusations. Even after everything, it was comforting to feel as if Kaidan was on her side again. It reminded her why she liked him there.

“And about ‘one of my crew?’” Shepard wasn’t going to let that go.

“Er, yeah,” Kaidan laughed grimly. “Not the first time my questions have gotten me into trouble.Sorry. Can…can we just put that behind us?”

Kaidan shifted uncomfortably, looking down when Shepard made eye contact with him and then glancing up to gauge her reaction. They had never been good about staying out of each other’s business before, and this wasn’t the first time one of them had struck a nerve. 

“I guess,” Shepard agreed carefully, softening when she saw Kaidan’s guilty relief. “Yeah, we can. Just watch that gossip, Major.”

“Yes ma’am,” Kaidan said obediently, respectfully formal. 

Shepard relaxed in her chair, and Kaidan lay back in the bed, closing his eyes and sighing heavily. It was strange, being alone with him like this again. There was so much Shepard wanted to say, but she needed Kaidan’s apology to sink in before she fell back into the old days just yet.

“So,” Shepard said, leaning forward when Kaidan tried to sit up again. “Do you think we’ll ever be able to get past Horizon?”

Kaidan hesitated, picking at the blanket and studying Shepard tentatively.

“I dunno,” he admitted, adding quickly, “I’d like to. I’d like to put aside all the harsh words and be friends, at least.”

“So what do we do?” Shepard prompted.

Kaidan thought for a moment, struggling to sit up and address Shepard straight. Shepard waited warily, wondering if Kaidan would just apologize again and look mournful. They needed something other than regret.

“Let’s focus on what’s important, right now,” Kaidan said slowly. 

“Bury it?” Shepard asked wryly, thinking of how much she wanted to forget of the past year.

“Bury it. Forgive…try to forgive,” Kaidan said softly. “I think that’s how we get past Horizon.”

Kaidan shrugged slightly, still looking uncertain, but waiting for Shepard’s verdict. Forgiveness was a lot easier said than achieved, Shepard thought, and she knew Kaidan knew that too. But it was that, or continuing to avoid each other or try to place the blame.

“Ok,” Shepard agreed shortly, before she gave Kaidan too much. “This war needs us fighting the Reapers, not each other.”

“Ok,” Kaidan conceded, turning to look at Shepard. “Thanks. I’m glad you came. Reminds me of…well, it’s good to talk to you again.”

“Me too,” Shepard agreed, sitting back in her chair.“I’m glad you’re ok.”

The two fell into silence again and soon Kaidan had dozed off, leaving Shepard to think. She didn’t know if forgiveness was enough to get them back to the way things had been. She didn’t know what would happen now, with the Reapers tearing through the galaxy and the Illusive Man concocting a new scheme. But even if it was temporary, if was a relief to not have to fear this conversation.

Shepard got up carefully, straightening the blanket over Kaidan’s chest and looking at the monitors to make sure he was out of danger. Patting the mattress by his shoulder, Shepard walked away. She heard the hospital door hiss closed behind her, and glanced over her shoulder through the window. Kaidan blinked open his eyes, squinting at Shepard’s vacant chair. Kaidan rubbed his unbruised eye, his lips moving as he talked to himself before he turned to look at the sky beyond the window, his fingers tapping restlessly. 

Shepard left before he saw her, nodding politely to the nurses coming to check up on him and beating a hasty retreat to the elevator. She would come back, when she had a chance to sort through her thoughts and feelings. It was good to talk, but she couldn’t let that overwhelm her right now. There were bigger threats out there, and until those were gone, she had a job to do. But she would come back. 


End file.
